I don't want to go all Poor Me on all y'all, but I HATE BEING SINGLE! I hate every part of it. I hate not having anyone (other than my cat) to cuddle with. I hate going through the awkward dance of getting to know new people. "So, can I call you sometime?" "Sure, but don't be surprised if I don't answer...*my cell phone has caller ID!" And I hate feeling like I have to "get over" someone that I have loved for a long time. I don't want to get over him (and I could insert something about getting under him right here, but I bet several of you have made that jump on your own).
Most of all, I hate that slightly paralyzing fear that has me jump in my head from being single right now to being single five years from now to being single forever, with no kids, several cats and dogs, and a marriage only to my job. I know that it's a Big Jump...*but my brain specializes in that. I like to take Big Jumps all over the place. My Big Jumps used to have me meeting someone like David Schwimmer, who would fall in love with me and whisk me away to The Good Life...*but now this whole Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise thing is creeping me out, so I have let go of those celebrity-inspired dreams and am concentrating more on the little people like me.
This is why I have always been one to jump into relationships. I get the "I like you" vibe, and I am ready to pledge my life to you. Healthy? Not so much. I am fortunate that my romantic relationships as an adult have been good ones. I have been in love with 2 1/2 people (the 1/2 is my college on again, off again...*I did love him, and still do, but I don't think it was really an "in love" kind of thing), and they have all been wonderful. Obviously, there were things that didn't work with them, but they weren't bad people. Jumping into a relationship with any of them was not a problem...*it was an okay thing to do.
However, last time I found myself in a New Relationship, I was 24 years old. I wasn't necessarily looking for the The Man I Was Going To Marry. I was just looking for a boyfriend. Fast forward five years, and I am 29 years old, and I have just spent five years with that boyfriend, and he apparently was not TMIWGTM (although the jury still isn't completely back on that one). And I find myself worrying about jumping into another relationship and having that one not work out either. I guess I am a little gun shy. And all those Big Jumps aren't helping...*
Anyway, that's definitely a little bit of a Poor Me post...*but forgive me. I have been studying for two days for a final I took tonight, and now I am numbing my brain by watching a little Pimp My Ride and decompressing...*and feeling a little bit sorry to myself.
*With apologies to Aarwenn for all those ellipses...