Monday, June 20, 2005

Breaking up is hard to do...

With apologies to any men who read this and are not commitment-phobes...

There must be something in the water. As I was lamenting the demise of my five-year relationship, I quickly became aware of something...it's not just me. I am not the only one who spent five years dreaming of a future with the man I thought I was building a life with. I am not the only one who patiently waited while he worked on his "issues" so that he could take the big step and propose. And I am not the only one who felt a little bit crushed when things didn't work out and she realized that if she didn't end things now, she would end up feeling like a total moron in a few years when things STILL weren't going the way she thought they would.

So what's the deal? What is it that makes a seemingly-normal, happy-to-be-with-you, moving-toward-marriage, 30-something man spend five (or three...or four...or six...or seven) years building a relationship with an amazing woman just to then let her know that he is having a mid-life crisis or he isn't looking to get married or he is scared to take that walk down the aisle. And then why does that woman then think, "Oh, poor baby. He is so scared. I will wait for him. He will be ready soon...I will help him!" That, my friends, leads to all sort of heartache.

The man I thought I would spend my life with is an amazing person. He is a great father, and a great friend. He is open and affectionate and giving. He is loyal and caring and generous. And for the last three years, he has been very ambivalent about marriage. And even more so about having kids. He was scared that a marriage could end someday. He already had kids and didn't know if he wanted to start back at square one. This didn't make him a bad person, however, and this is where the trouble began.

I assumed, when I was a little girl, that I would grow up and meet a man, and we would fall in love and be very happy together. And this happened. We fell in love, and we were very happy. However, I also assumed that we would get married and have children and grow old together. And this is where the problem comes in. Although we had a lot of love in our relationship, this wasn't enough to make him overcome his "issues" or his "fears" and take a chance on me.

I know that there is a man out there with whom I will build a life. Someday, there will be little kids running around carrying half of my chromosomes. And as my twenties get away from me, I am a little sad that it hasn't happened already. However, it will happen...I have faith. And if it isn't with the man I thought it would be with, that's okay. Because the man I spend my life with will be the one who can give me the fairy tale...and I will give it right back to him.

I just wish he would hurry up and get here already.

8 comments:

Rebecca said...

Amen to that! But don't give up... he's out there.

patrice said...

totally yes! I have had too much experience with men that you describe. it's good that we know that we can't fix these guys, but damned if we remember that while we're actually dating them.

I hope you find him and then deck him and say "what the hell took you so goddamn long??"

NME said...

In my opinion you need to use both your head and your heart when selecting your significant other. Yes - romance and love are HUGE. But people tend to forget the business side of it. You need to analyze what you both want out of your lives - and if you are even going in similar directions. You can have all the love in the world but if you can't agree on marriage, kids or locale - it's not going to last - and if it does last one or both of the people might end up feeling cheated, unfulfilled, like they sacrificed too much.
When you meet new men don't just get starry eyed and week kneed - really consider if they're going to fit in the life you envision for yourself. Because you deserve to have the future you're dreaming of.

28goingon40 said...

So incredibly perfectly put. I completely agree top to bottom.
Especially the bottom.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Amen M.Thom! Reading your post meant so much to me, considering my situation with Mr. (ithoughtwas) Right. At one point I thought he was the one, now he's gone and thrown a nice wrench into that plan.

The Princess said...

Well do what I did and tell Mr. "I'm so scared of committment" to take a hike and marry his best friend!

But don't be surprised if he then has a shot gun wedding 3 months later...not saying I have first hand experience with this or anything!

Tanya Kristine said...

i remember when i thought, at 16, that i would grow up, get married and have children. i'm 39 and that hasn't happened but i'm happy regardless. Men are a pain in the ass. i love teh line in Sex and the City "maybe our friends are our soulmates and men are just for fun..."

this probably didn't help. sorry.

ramblin' girl said...

perfectly put. I too had a guy I thought might be the one someday tell me it wasn't what he wanted.

and some of the comments already covered what I was going to. but know, too, it happens to guys. some women destroy the relationship when guys are the ones hoping to move towards the fairytale.

I think communication is the best way to be sure both people want the same thing.