I appreciate what my friends and family are trying to do when they tell me things like, "He's an ass. What a moron. He doesn't deserve you. You are better off without him." Really, I do. But you know what? That doesn't help. I can't be bitter. I won't be bitter. Twenty years from now, I don't still want to be stuck in this place where This Man ruined my life and wasted five years of my 20s and Did Me Wrong.
It's amazing to me how women, when one of us is Wronged, circle the wagons and share all the reasons that we thought he was a tool or a schmoe or a moron or whatever little "pet" name we can come up with for the commitmentphobe that broke our friend's heart. HOW DARE HE? He is throwing away an amazing, wonderful, better-than-he-will-ever-get-again woman! And she is one of our friends! He must be hated! By all women, everywhere. Women of the world, UNITE! We will take down this heartbraker!
Really, Bill is no different today than he was on April 8, which was the day before The Day. He is still a tall guy who loves his kids, isn't quite sure what he wants out of life, has adorable dimples when he smiles, knows how to give a real hug, makes me laugh, and is fun to be around. He is still someone I have a lot of love for. He is not The Enemy. He will never be The Enemy. The only thing he isn't right now is My Boyfriend. And that's okay.
When my relationship ended, I was quickly laying the road of blame, and I was laying it right up to his front door. HE didn't give me what I wanted. HE couldn't make a decision about where we were going. HE was making plans that I didn't want to be a part of. HE didn't know if he wanted to have kids. HE wasn't communicating with me!
Well, you know what? I wasn't communicating with him either. I didn't tell him he was making plans I didn't want to be a part of. I didn't tell him what I wanted. And he had made it known for well over a year that he wasn't sure about having more kids. I didn't listen...I didn't want to hear him. I wanted a magic wand to come along someday and magically wave all these problems away.
It comes down to this...life is not an easy journey. However, you only get one shot, and regretting what you have done before will lodge that bitterness right there in your throat and cause you to miss out on so much. That's why I can't blame Bill for what happened and hang on to every little thing he did wrong during the five years together. Because he is still a great guy. And maybe someday in the future, we will end up back together. But even if that doesn't happen, I won't be bitter. Life is too short, and it takes two to tango. And it takes two to stop tangoing too.
7 comments:
true, true. but bitterness, at least right after the breakup (and "right after" can mean different things to different people), can help some women move on. it's easier to let go of a piece of trash than it is to let go of a treasured posession. though it sounds like bill is more like a cracked plate: you can see the flaw in it at the same time as you can see the beauty, functionality, and whatever attracted you to the china pattern to begin with.
life is like a box of cliches - you never know what you're gonna get. from me.
anyways, yours is a healthy outlook for sure. some women are not able to get there right away and their friends are only trying to help them let go.
M.Thom - you are getting very wise in your old age. LOL. Seriuosly that's ecactly how I feel about Mr. (ithoughtwas) Right. It took getting us to say it's over to finally talk and granted it's only been a short time but I feel more at peace with the future and know I need that to move on.
I think that "bitter" refers to more of a long-lasting state, which I agree is completely unhealthy--it still links your mind to his, albeit in a hate-filled way, which is almost worse! But I think anger at a former flame is healthy and allows you to separate yourself--like patrice said, it's easier to let go of trash then a treasured posession. Everyone handles break-ups differently.
At the same time, it is EXTREMELY important to take your share of the blame! It's important to think, "Poor guy, how could he possibly have known so-and-so? Next time I will be more communicative/open/sexual/modest/courageous/whatever." I agree with the importance of an accurate self-assesment 100%.
I think you have a very healthy attitude towards both your decision to break up and your decision to not have bitterness.
I am very protective of my x. We had our bad spots, but that doesn't mean he's a bad person and it's harder to move on when you feel as if you're constantly defending the other person when there is not real reason to defend because in all actuality...it just wasn't meant to happen that way.
When women need to vent about something or someone we often complain to our close friends. And then we get passed it and forget about the complaint - but our friends don't. They keep a running tab because they're looking out for us.
As Patrice said in the short term it might be easier to be angry - to throw out trash rather than treasure. But your attitude is very mature and I hope it serves you well.
When women need to vent about something or someone we often complain to our close friends. And then we get passed it and forget about the complaint - but our friends don't. They keep a running tab because they're looking out for us.
As Patrice said in the short term it might be easier to be angry - to throw out trash rather than treasure. But your attitude is very mature and I hope it serves you well.
Damn that was mature and reflective. Nice.
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