Mary Casey, RN, BSN

I passed!!!

After four tense days in which I was determined not to pay money to get my quick results, I caved today when my friend Paula called and told me that she had just paid money to find out and she had passed. I was still waffling, and then her words, "Do it right now," led me to action. A small $7.95 charge later, and I knew the good news.

I passed.

I am a Registered Nurse.

Oh, I also lost two more pounds.

Deep thoughts while on a treadmill...

Anyone keeping up with my sidebar updates will notice that after one week down on Weight Watchers, I had lost 6.6 pounds! I was so excited to hear that, although I held myself together well. "Excellent, thank you," said very calmly while doing a big freak-out dance inside my head!

Anyhoo, I was on the treadmill this morning, and it was a half hour of random thoughts all around. First of all, I realized that it is better to get on the treadmills in front of the window than it is to get on the treadmills in front of the ginormous mirror. In front of the window? You get to watch the few people who make their way into the rather deserted strip mall that is home to the gym. In front of the mirror? You get to notice the way that your body is a very definitive pear shape, and your legs jiggle when you walk, and pulling your hair back makes your face look like someone has pump it up with a bike pump. Less fun...

After that exciting conversation with myself, I turned my attention to the woman on the treadmill next to me. She had just clicked open her cell phone and was initiating a conversation with whomever was on the other line, without even breaking stride! The less-than-tolerant part of me wanted to demand to know WHAT could be so important that she had to talk on her cell phone WHILE EXERCISING. I know that this routinely happens in gyms, but this is not a big city gym, and it was the middle of the day on a Wednesday. I just didn't get it.

I should note that exercising in front of the mirror does give ample opportunity to spy on the people exercising behind you. However, my attention kept returning to my thighs. I don't think the spying opportunity is enough to warrant a treadmill in front of the mirror, unless it's the only one left and I am desperate.

In other news, I continue to be every advertiser's dream, as I buy into the hype and actually purchase all that stuff I see advertised in special displays in the grocery store. My new love is the wealth of 100 calorie snack options that have invaded the market. We have the traditional items that have been around for a while (Ritz Snack Mix, Cheez-Its, Wheat Thins), but they have been joined by some friends. Frito-Lay offers a full selection, including Doritos (Cool Ranch and Nacho Cheese), Sun Chips (Harvest Cheddar), and Baked Cheetos. Entenmann's (creator of the Baked Goods of My Youth) offer chocolate chip bites, brownie bites, and blueberry muffins. There are bags of Chex in a cheddar flavor. There are bags of Goldfish crackers. And although I have not yet seen them, I hear that there are even Hostess cupcakes. It's a good day. Now, the key is just limiting myself to the initial 100 calorie pack. After all, eating a whole box would not be much different from eating a whole bag of chips. And isn't that what got me here in the first place?

Fatty, fat, fat, fat...

Part of me thinks I have whined about this enough. And then another part of me thinks that this is my blog, dammit, so why not keep whining?

As I sit through winter up here in the mountains, with my regular soda and starchy foods for company, I try to remember all the reasons that it is NOT a good idea to make a quart of ice cream my dinner. I think back to the time when I knew how to eat like a normal person, and I wonder when it was that I got so far away from that. I like to point to nursing school as the root of my problems, but the truth is that I have let my emotions and my state of mind govern what I put into my mouth for a long time before that.

It used to be that when I looked in the mirror, I didn't really see how overweight I was. I don't know if you put blinders on or what, but I thought I looked pretty good. Now, I can see that is not the case. When I catch sight of myself in a store window or a mirrored column, I can see how big I have gotten. And it isn't making me the happiest person in the world. However, time and time again, I decide that this will be the day that I stop eating for reasons other than hunger. This will be the day that I start making exercise a regular part of my life. This will be the day that I start to work myself down from a size 20 into a size that makes me feel a little better about myself. I don't necessarily want to be a size 8. However, a 12 or 14 would be nice! Unfortunately, those days haven't stuck yet. I am still at this size, and I don't always think I have the tools to fix it.

I have looked into Weight Watchers and OA. I have looked into gyms. I have joined weight loss websites galore. And I know this isn't something that I will be able to do on my own. I lean toward going somewhere with formal weekly meetings for the accountability factor. I want to join a gym because I have done well in the past in a group workout environment. And I want to make myself healthier because I want to start a family and grow old with my husband and live the healthiest life I can.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well, here I am at the starting line...let's get this journey started!

Working on me...

Well, it's day two of my quest to stop my habit of putting into my body any little piece of food that looks good. So far, like the beginning of any "diet," things are going well. I had a good day yesterday, I was minimally hungry, and I had some water, although not as much as I should have. I also had only diet soda, even though there is a 12-pack of Cherry Coke taunting me in my garage. It is right next to its sister, Diet Cherry Coke, and that is just fine for me.

My next big challenge will be to get this body moving. I am so not motivated to go walk outside. The hills in this neighborhood are daunting, and the cold weather doesn't exactly draw me outside. I plan to look into a gym membership as soon as my income jumps after the start of my new job...for now, I am feeling like today might be a good day to lie around and read and watch TV and do a whole lot of nothing, until I head into work for the evening shift.

Otto is happy to have me home for the day, as evidenced by the fact that, after we came in from a trip outside, he JUMPED ON TOP OF THE TABLE IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK. Just sprung right off the ground and landed with all four paws on top of the table. And then thought better of it and hightailed it on down. The look on his face was priceless..."Oh, crap, what did I do now?" He has calmed down somewhat, now that he has ripped the stuffing out of the toy my mom gave him for Christmas. He couldn't let that elephant get the best of him!

Oh, yeah. It's a good day.

Let's get excited about our New Year's resolutions!

Every year, I make the same resolution. This will be the year that I lose weight. Clearly, I have not yet met that goal, as it is my resolution again this year. Yeah. I start out well, and then I go to a party or out to eat or something like that, and I let one indiscretion start me on a downward spiral. Before long, I am eating French fries as often as possible and downing three or four cans of regular soda in a day. And that, my friends, is not a diet.

My most successful attempts at dieting involved eating low carb, so my mind heads that way again. I don't go quite as low as an early Atkins diet, but I do try to pay more attention to the carbs I eat and keep my total much lower than that in the average American diet. This way of eating is very satisfying for me because it keeps me fuller longer and it shows quick results. And I was able to maintain it for quite a long time at one point in my life, so that is the road I have decided to follow once again. I am off to a good start...breakfast was two eggs with some ham and cheese, and that should keep me going for a while.

My biggest hurdles will be the need to give up the regular soda (back to Diet Cherry Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper), drink my water, and eat my vegetables. I also would like to add in some exercise and maybe even find a gym in the area to join. Oh, and I should really cancel my Curves membership since I am using it not at all.

A goal in the back of my mind has been to do a breast cancer 3-day walk someday. I am contemplating talking to my sister and making it a goal for 2008. In the shape I am in now (round), I could not walk for three hours, let alone three days. However, with that goal in mind, maybe in 2008 she and I can do this.

And now, as I head back to work, I invite you to share with me your resolutions...and send wishes your way for a Happy New Year!

Wake-Up Call

This weekend, we hosted a birthday party for Bill's older son at our house. This was the day after my bachelorette party (whose unfortunate end included me vomiting on a complete stranger in the bar...and that's all I want to say about that), and I didn't know how well I would be handling it. It ended up going fine, after a bit of a rough morning. I rallied, however, which is good because my mom was planning to take a picture that day to go in our signature mat frame that we will be using for our wedding in JUST 18 DAYS!!!

Bill and I were dressed in our Sunday finest...he in his Browns' jersey (Tim Couch, although he is no longer a Brown) and I in my Giants' jersey (Tiki Barber is my imaginary boyfriend). And we decided to pose up on the hill with our backs to the woods to have our picture taken. This is what one of those pictures looked like (let me say right here that it pains me to post this photo, but I think it's important for me to do so for reasons I will get to momentarily):



When I saw this picture, all I could think was, "When did I get so fat?" I look as if there is an entire spare tire resting around my waist. I look like a Weeble...or Humpty Dumpty. I certainly don't look like the person I see in my mirror every morning. Well, apparently, mirrors lie. However, photos tell a horrifying truth.

It was like a kick in the gut to look at this picture. I haven't stepped on the scale in a while because I have known that I would not like what I would see. I haven't been watching my eating at all, in spite of the fact that I am getting married IN 18 DAYS!!! Instead, I have been continuing my usual rather self-destructive pattern of living to eat, instead of eating to live.

Add to that awful wake-up call the fact that I picked up my wedding dress on Monday. I LOVE my dress, and in it I feel like a princess. It looks good on me as well, even though I am a little wider across the beam than I would like. But I think it would look even better if I could depuff a little and look a little less uncomfortable standing in it in front of the mirror. So off I went to Barnes and Noble, to buy some of those little pocket calorie count books, as well as a new food journal. I came home and dug out my Weight Watchers Points counter and food companion guide, and I have begun counting Points once again. I stepped on the scale this morning, and while the number wasn't as high as I feared, I can't believe I have let myself get to this point...and I can't wait to gain some control over it.

I cropped the picture and blew it up a bit to make it signature mat-ready. And there won't be any evidence of all that extra weight that I am carrying around when people see that picture. As for me? I will carry that picture with me to remind me that the mirror may be lying...but that photo certainly isn't.

It's a powerful lesson...now, just to learn from it.